I think I am morally bankrupt
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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