he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
