Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
