Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Randomize
