so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
