I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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