I am in a vortex of obligation.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
