i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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