So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
