She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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