If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
