I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
