What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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