i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
