I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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