Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
