WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
