whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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