I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
