Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
