Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
