What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
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