Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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