Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
