just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
