I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
