Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The convent might be a nice break from real life
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
