The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
