I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I am naked and annoyed.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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