I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
