i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I wish there were birth control emojis
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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