shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
