i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he thought i was a dude.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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