when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
