some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
