I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
