i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
