Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
