It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
