laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
