dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Randomize
