I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
