How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
