i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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