Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
