if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I have aggressive nipples.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
