no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
