i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
