The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
