my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
